Bullying is always intentional, mean-spirited, rarely happens only once and the victim cannot hold his own. It is not teasing. If this is happening to your child, please know that your son or daughter is not alone. By some estimates, one in seven American schoolchildren is either a bully or a victim. Reports confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is far more frequent and aggressive than ever before.
While you can’t always be there to step in and protect your child there are ways to help your son or daughter be less likely to be victimized. I reviewed hundreds of studies to find tips for educators and parents and wrote a proposal to end school violence that became SB1667. I learned that bullying is learned and it also is preventable. We are waiting too late to teach our kids critical skills to help them be less likely to be targeted. There is no one sure-proof solution so experiment and find what works best for your child’s situation. Here are some of the best tips to help bully-proof your child.
- Start the talk now! So start talking to your child about bullying before it ever happens. Tell your child you are always available and recognize it is a growing problem. You want your child to come to you and not suffer in silence.
- Stop rescuing. Children need practice to speak up and be assertive so when the moment comes that they do need to stand up to a bully, they can. Always rescuing can create the conditions under which a child can become a victim.
- Avoid areas where bullies prey. Bullying usually happens in unsupervised adult areas such as hallways, stairwells, playgrounds (under trees and equipment, in far corners), lockers, parks and bathrooms in places such as malls, schools, parks and even libraries. Teach your child about “hot spots” (places most likely to be frequently by bullies), and then tell him to avoid those areas.
- Offer specific tips. Most kids can’t handle bullying on their own: they need your help, so provide a plan. For instance, if bullying is happening on the bus tell your child to sit behind the bus driver on the left side where the driver can see passengers in the mirror, ask an older kid to “watch out” for your child, or offer to pick your child up from school.
- Teach assertiveness. Kids less likely to be picked on, use assertive posture. Stress to your child that he should stand tall and hold his head up to appear more confident and less vulnerable. Practice. Practice. Practice!
- Stay calm and don’t react. Bullies love knowing they can push other kids’ buttons, so tell your child to try to not let his tormentor know he upset you.
- Teach a firm voice. Stress to your child that if he needs to respond, simple direct commands work best delivered in a strong determined voice: “No.” “Cut it out.” “No way.” “Back off.” Then walk away with shoulders held back.
- Get help if needed. Tell your child to walk towards other kids or an adult.
- Find a supportive companion. Kids who have even one friend to confide in can deal with bullying better than those on their own. Is there one kid your child can pair up with? Is there a teacher, nurse, or neighbor he can go to for support? You may need to go to the teacher and principal and advocate!
- Don’t make promises. You may have to protect your child, so make no promises to keep things confidential. You may have to step in and advocate. Do so if ever your child’s emotional or physical safety is at stake.
Please! Repeated bullying causes severe emotional harm and erodes fragile self-esteem. No child should ever have to deal with such cold-blooded cruelty.
Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.
Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming The Big Book of Parenting Solutions available this fall.
One to 7 ratio of school children as bully or victim cited by C. Goodnow, “Bullying Is a Complex, Dangerous Game in Which Everyone’s a Player,” Seattle Post-Intelligence, Sept. 1, 1999.
One in three children between grades 6 and 10 are involved in bullying as either victim or bully: A. Jones, “One in Three Kids Involved in Bullying, Statistics Show,” Cox News Service.
What about if your kid is a bully? We make such a fuss over our children who can’t stand up for themselves, and have low confidence. Bullying is a natural part of being young. Bullying happens everywhere at all ages, and that should be understood too. Some people are bullies, some are bullied. Bullies are often the product of problems at home. Where is the help for the bullies?
Just have them join a Mixed Martial Arts gym. Worked for me.
This stuff doesn’t always work or is not always a possibility. I was the victim of bullying, and my mom tried all of this. the most important thing is to NOT step in unless it’s physical, and even then sometimes it’s not worth it depending. And make sure your kids know how awesome they are, that does help a lot. If they have older cousins, have them spend time with them, that really helped me. I agree with the statement above though, self defense is always a good way to go, even if you don’t need it with bullying, it gives so much confidence.
as for the first statement, you’re completely right too. they need help, but unfortunately, the results of their anger is usually more easily treated (not that i agree).
Avoiding something doesn’t fix the problem, as someone who was bullied I find it saddening that you advise them to aviod the “hotspots” you have to be proactive about it.
I wish I had been
To skeptical
are u an idiot. yes bully happends and it is natural for a little teasing but did u know a LARGE amout of children and teens comite suicide a year. not because ppl say ” your a loser” but some ppl get beaten almost to death for example a kid in my school was hospitalized by a jackas for two weeks because emerson did not like the kid, these kids are isolated and can not walk through the hals wiothout beeing called prophanaty an slamed into lockers. they have no friends because of two reasons, the ppl tell ppl are telling other ppl lies to make them not be their friend and some ppl are to scared to befriend these ppl because they feel they be victamized to. i had the hole class souround me push me around and call my prophanaty as the teacher watched and I GOT SUSPENDED BECAUSE I STOOK UP FOR MYSELF ppl likr u are idiots who can not understant how painfull these things can be because u have NEVER experianced REAL pain. because u hAVENT HAD NO WERE TO GO, NO ONE THAT LOVED YOU, NO MATTER WERE U WHENT PPL WOULD THROW SHIZZZ AT U AND CALL U PROFANATY BECAUSE IT NOT ONLY SCHOOL NOW BUT SCHOOLZ NO SOCIATY ITSELF. to be threaten to be killed ever day. to be spat on litterly… to be truly alone and hated… it messes u up for a life time… i can survive anything because i have expiranced this and i am stronger then u will EVER be… and gauss what im 16 and i can look at a man strangling me with no expression and say do it(more like a whezed whister) and if a guty were to hold a gun to your head u would cry and beg for your life… he will kill u… i will live. killers dont like it when u r fine with death they want u to cry they want u to beg… u r weak and i am supperiour to u both mentally and physacly. DONT U EVER SAY BULLY IS NOT A PROBLEM BECAUSE IT IS I KNOW i talk to ppl often and have talk MANY ppl out of suiced and the first time i talked on out of suiced was when i was in 6th grade. i understand their pain so i can help them and that is somthing u will never be able to do because u havent felt real pain. untill your 100% alome with cuts up your arm holding WAY to may pills and about to swallow them… talk to me then. u weakling
i think it should stop or it will get worse
Also i hate to see kids get bullies at my school
also theres this girl named irma nd she like bullies everyone at my school all the time no one can stop her not evenher mom
Yea, Irma is so mean to people. How can we stop her bullying?
irma if ur readn this STOP BULLYING =))
irma sound so horrible s solution is going and facing the bully
Shut Up All Of Ya’ll People Dont Know Anything ! OKAY CALLENSE
i agree with samantha we have to face her plus she bullies a boy named daniel mulumba ….. nd every time she bullies she says BULLIAR
Yea, She Does Bully Me ALOT !
irma just comes to school to bully
she should be stoped
Miren PERRAS y PERRO vayanse a la verga okk ? Goo too hell !!