Do you know if your child is being bullied? Here are some signs to watch for: Feelings of rejection Low self-esteem, poor grades at school Isolation, withdrawal from group activities at school and outside of school, aggressiveness, nervousness, extreme sensitivity, fear or refusal to go to school.
What is bullying?
Psychologists define bullying as a power relationship carried on by one individual or a group of individuals towards another person. Bullying does not necessarily need to be brutal or physical violence, rumours, threats and hurtful words also lead to feelings of rejection.
What does bullying look like?
Teasing, hair pulling, pushing, pinching or touching without consent, insulting somebody by making crude, sexist, racist or homophobic remarks, spreading rumours Threatening looks, unsightly gestures, writing unpleasant things about somebody (on paper or by email), threatening or scaring somebody, stealing, “taxing” (extortion of money and personal items).
Targets for bullying:
Choice of clothing, physical differences or faults (fast, slow, big or small development), distinctive characteristics of parents (different education from other parents of the region, religion, origin, language), nutritional habits, speech impediments, introverted personality, solitary person
What Should Children Do?
Do not answer back with verbal violence Ignore the insults by walking with your head up high. If you witness bullying towards another student, it is best to immediately refer what you have seen to an adult.
What Should Parents Do?
Discuss the problem with your child and try to obtain the name of the bully Discuss the problem with the teacher and the principal of the school. Advise the child, but try not to do everything in his or her place. Guide the child towards out-of-school activities. Do not encourage verbal or physical violence as a suitable means of defense. Do not trivialize the problem. Take it seriously! (Source: Mia Lambert, Jeunesse J’ecoute and Annie Fernandez, Le Journal de Quebec
How can I tell if my child is being bullied at school?
- Shows an abrupt lack of interest in school or after school activities
- Takes an unusual route to school or after school activities
- Suffers a drop in grades
- Withdraws from family and school activities and wants to be left alone
- Is hungry after school – saying he /she lost money or wasn’t hungry at school
- Makes a bee line for the bathroom after school
- Is sad, sullen, angry or scared after receiving a text message, phone call or email
- Uses derogatory or demeaning language when talking about peers
- Stops talking about peers and everyday activities
- Has disheveled, torn or missing clothing
- Has physical injuries not consistent with the explanation
- Has physical complaints – headaches, stomach aches or changes in eating or sleeping patterns
- Shows symptoms of depression
- Begins or increases using substances
What should I do if my child tells me they are being bullied?
- Acknowledge the child – I hear you, I believe you, I will help you, Tell me about it , Listen
- Try and instill that it is not their fault – the blame belongs to the Bully – no one deserves to be bullied
- Help you child figure out ways to assertively stand up for themselves and steer clear of the situation – take power back
- Report the bullying to teachers, caregivers etc.
- Keep and accurate record – what, when, where
- Ensure that there is adequate supervision for your child so that he/she is not victimized again
What should I not do if my child tells me they are being bullied?
- Minimize or rationalize the incident
- Rush in to solve the problem – unless there is a serious physical threat
- Tell your child to run or hide
- Tell your child to fight back – do not want your child to use violence as a response
- Confront the Bully or their parents
- Make promises you may not be able to keep – you may need to inform police etc.
How do I get my child to disclose if they have been Bullied?
- Talk to your child
- “I am concerned that something may be going on at school that is upsetting you”
- “I want you to know that I will believe you and support you and help you deal with it”
- If and when they do talk – Listen and then respond. Let them know they will not be blamed
What should I do if the Bullying is occurring on the weekend?
- Ask your child if they know the Bully – get a description
- Suggest strategies for avoiding the situation – ie alternate routes. buddying up etc.
- Let people in the community know – ie – Mall security, Community centre staff, group leaders etc.
- Help you child develop a safety plan
How do I try and protect my child from Cyber Bullying?
- Familiarize yourself with on line activities. Learn about websites, chatrooms and lingo that your children are using
- Keep the computer in a common area
- Keep open communication lines with your children so that they will feel comfortable talking to you about any incidents of cyber bullying.
- Let them know that you are there to help and support them and will not be angry with them
- Recognize that online communication is a very important social aspect of kid’s lives and do not automatically shut down online privileges.
- Talk to your child about what is acceptable behavior on and off line
- Report any serious on line harassment or threats to your Internet Service provider and the police.
- Report any serious cell phone harassment or threats to your phone service provider
- Save any harassing or threatening e mails and telephone messages.
What do I do if no one will help me and no one believes me that my child is being bullied?
- Who have you spoken to and what was the response
- Gather the information about the incident and be specific about time, place, events
- Call the school etc. and ask to make an appointment with the Teacher/ principal to talk about the incident
- Keep notes
- Ask how they plan to address the incident
- Follow up to make sure the incident has been addressed
- If you are not satisfied that the incident has been addressed adequately take your concerns to the next level
At what point do I call the police?
- When the teasing and taunting becomes threatening, intimidating or assaultive
January 28th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
What do I do if I think that my child is bullying?
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Connecting and talking with your child is key. Let your child know that you are concerned and why. Let them know that bullying isn’t ok and there will be consquences. Kids who bully need to build on their empathy. It’s important that you take a look at what you are role modelling- even if it is difficult. Supporting your child when they make good choices is also key. Talk with your child’s teacher to see if you can have a team approach for your child.
February 14th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
i have been having alot of bullying problems at my daughters Christian school.
It started in september. I have been to the teacher as well as the principal. The teacher is not doing a thing about it infact she would make my daughter who is in gr 4 do pushups infront of the class as a punishment for having her shirt un-tucked.So the bullies would see her doing this and would make fun of her even more. The teacher has told me that my daughter concentration in class is horrible and a bunch of negative stuff about my daughter. She is blaming my daughter for stuff she hasnt done. My daughter has gone up to the teacher to tell her side of the story and she tells her that she doesnt believe her.
There is a boy who started a hate club against my daughter, it is called I hate ____.He has been asking other kids if they want to join. Again i brought his up to the teacher and all i get from her is i will talk to his mom.(The Teacher and mom are friends.) The father of this boy is a Police officer as well. This boy has been telling other kids that he is going to get a restraining order on my child.
i am not sure what more i should be doing, i am in the teachers face everyday. Please help!!! i live in surrey bc canada
February 17th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Many of the guidelines given above re: what bullying is, how to recognize whether your child has been bullied, how to react, etc., are ‘right on’ with Barbara Coloroso’s in-depth book on the subject: The Bully, The Bullied and the Bystander. This book needs to be required reading for every teacher and parent in the country.
Ms. Coloroso has worked with children and teens since she was a teenager herself. Their well-being and character-forming are her passion.
Her first book Kids Are Worth It, brought this passion to the world stage, as have her lectures on that book and some of the five that followed. Kids Are Worth It is now available in 24 languages. Her website is http://www.kidsareworthit.com.
She travels all over the world sharing her message that we need to pay attention to how children are raised, to understand how this affects the outcome in the adult’s personality. If we are ever to eradicate violence from our schools, homes, communities and world stage, we need to raise kids who have compassion, kindness, and moral values in their character.
She will be speaking this Sunday afternoon, Feb. 22, in Orillia, Ontario, a small city north of Toronto, about two of her books, The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander and Extraordinary Evil: A Brief History of Genocide. The venue is St. Paul’s United Church, 62 Peter Street North. If you’re interested, just show up at the door and there will be tickets at $20 for one lecture, $30 for the two.
Although you may think the two books are not connected, they are. As Ms. Coloroso says, “It’s a short walk from bullying to hate crimes to genocide.”
In her books and in person, Barbara Coloroso is a stellar resource for people of the world to improve our raising of kids and reduction of violence in society. Food for thought.
Special note to DDD: What an appalling situation, that a Christian school is treating any child the way in which your daughter has been treated. Perhaps Ms. Coloroso’s book and website will give you some direction for further action.
CAT
February 24th, 2009 at 10:28 am
This is a message for DDD. That is such apalling and disgusting behaviour…not only on the part of the children doing the bullying but also for the teachers..and maybe especially for the teachers who are there to be role models etc.
There are steps that you can take…you’ve already spoken to the teacher (who is a big bully…gee I wonder why your dtr can’t focus…It’s called stress!) You need to advocate for your daughter…speak to the Principal and if you have to call a meeting for yourself, Principal and Teacher. Document everything.
Is your school part of BCCPAC which is a parent group. They have Advocates that will work on your behalf.
Never, ever give up fighting on behalf of your child…Don’t give up!
February 25th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
my child was bullied last year on the way home from school, he spend 3 days in hospital and has had 2 operations, he has both scars from being bullied, both emotional and physically.
March 10th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Just read your FAQ’s and advice for the BULLY VICTIMS & DESPERATE parents of children being bullied SPECIFICALLY in PUBLIC SCHOOLS and on their school grounds.
Your words are just words to fill pages. The Internet is FULL of it! Looks good on paper BUT it is NOT real life. It does not work as pretty as it looks.
As far as any PUBLIC school system and beyond is concerned there is “NO BULLYING whatsoever” in their schools. If they EVER admitted it - they (the over-paid - over-powered administrators of our VERY FAULTY PUBLIC education system) would have to actually do something. Nothing is ever acknowledged. In fact no records are kept EVER - BY ministry of education LAW! All the things they tell the victims and the family to do is simply just to humour people. NO one will talk to you - especially if you go over someone’s head looking for real help. The advocates at BCCPAC are very nice - but they are essentially -FUNDED by the same ‘gang’ and all they can really do is listen and give you ideas. Nothing new and nothing real.
Even the ‘PINK’ people pick and choose who they talk to or respond to. Ratings vs reality? hmmmmm…..
When reporting an ‘incident’ (NOT allowed to call it BULLYING) you are not even allowed to mention a SPECIFIC name of a BULLY. And if a meeting is allowed with administrators - you may NOT be allowed to talk about anything in the past - they will only allow “positive talk and forward thinking”??? HOW can you possibly disallow discussing specific facts?? Once again - no acknowledgement of past events or BULLY recognition.
EASY OUT!
I know this makes no sense - BUT this is the REAL REALITY PARENTS and VICTIMS of BULLYING face each day in the PUBLIC school system. No one will get involved - the elected officials don’t want to get their hands dirty and the cops just laugh at you (OUTLOUD) and tell you that the school is well equipped to handle things! hahahahahaha - I have to laugh because I have cried myself over and out.
Just another clear-cut example of how in BC we protect the BULLYS over and over again. Is this the start of their gang initiation education?
What do you think this is teaching the school BULLY?
BC - Be Careful - Bully Country!
The Place to BE………BULLIED!
The bottom line is - The Bigger Bully wins!
NEVER GIVE UP is the ONLY GOOD advice - YOU are ALL your kids have!
NEVER GIVE UP - even if you get BANNED from school and laughed at by cops and ignored by everyone else. NEVER GIVE UP until JUSTICE and COMMMON SENSE prevail. THIS may take a while…………………..
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I Love Miley